Monday, November 29, 2010

the beach


Oh to be basking on a beach
Someplace
Where I can swim the depths of the sea
And walk the shores
Waves breaking
Ocean breezes blowing
The fine golden sand
Caressing my toes
An ocean full of wonder
Under endless blue skies
Take me there
Forever where I belong

Sunday, November 7, 2010

quitting



QUITTING!

these are very brave words for me to say.. to be finally stubbing out my last fag & starting life anew without them

this most definately needs to be blogged and in the open.. I mean how many times has one tried to quit & failed? I know I have on many occasions.. even the time before I met my ex boyfriend when I had gone cold turkey for a whole 3 months.. determined that that time was final.. until I succumbed again under pressure.. so after a few serious attempts.. I just knew a day like that would come again..

and its arrived under the most strange and not so strange circumstances and veils.. the not so strange being health wise I was really feeling the effects of having been a smoker for 20+ years.. yes the frequent shortness of breath after not particulary heavy activity.. catching up with me finally when ive been trying to avoid thinking about it.. the smelly hair and clothes.. the financial aspect when I could be doing much more in life instead of being tied to an ashtray.. all these things (and more) are the obvious signs it was time to quit.. but what the actual trigger of it this time was.. was much deeper emotionally for me

I had just had an argument with the boy over whos turn it was to cook... I had been cooking for a few days in a row and thought it was only fair he did his share.. when it suddenly took a turn into nasty street & I let loose a few things I shouldnt have said.. then sulked upstairs to my room.. it was here in my room as I let the tears go I thought to myself.. what the hell? my life was in a bloody rut.. I needed to bust out and DO SOMETHING... CHANGE.. GO FORWARD... but as much as I wanted to.. it was the fucking fags keeping me in the hole.. just a whole lotta thoughts all accumilating right at that moment that took my breath away and forced me to take a long hard look at where I was going...

and what I saw wasnt a pretty picture... somethings had to change .. here I was a 44 year old woman.. heavily hooked on fags.. (a 25's pack & a half per day) that made her life revolved around them.. owned in other words.. I would take cigs everywhere I went.. smoke em anywhere I was.. & even at night in bed... it was getting to the stage where I thought of em as not as enjoyable anymore but an ugly habit.. desperately wanting to quit but not having the strength or determination....a ball and chain burden I had on my back.. and it was costing me an average $143 per week to support!

so to cut a long story short.. (more on that long story as we go along ... im sure).. this week on Wednesday between after I had bought my usual 2 packs in the morning very early and smoking almost half the pack (I smoked in rations the few days preceeding) til after lunch venturing out..I finally made the decision to quit..

these are a pic of the very last packs I bought (the unopened pack I actually took back to the store & got a refund... the shop clerk had to ask whether everything was ok lol.. WHY was I returning a pack instead of buying one? LOL)and that felt bloody marvelous!